Dear diary: “Dreamers” and trying to be more of a Doer

I came across this song today in a list from Huffington Post’s 25 Artists You Need to Start Listening to in 2015. Of course going through and listening to every song in this article and creating a playlist was one of the ways I was continuing my procrastinating ways of 2014 and letting them bleed into 2015. I had one “resolution”/goal that I wanted to implement this year and 2 weeks in and I’ve already massively failed. Still, despite the massive fumble, I need to keep trying to “…not put off to tomorrow what I can do today.”

Anyhow, on to the lyrics at hand. It’s unfortunate how much I relate to this song. What did sort of comfort me was reading the comments under the video and seeing that I was not alone. However, there are also comments trashing people that this song relates to. Personally, I have a mental battle over this almost everyday. There are days I agree with and think the same negative thoughts and trashing myself. Those are the days that I feel most depressed and end up right back in the cycle and wasting/sleeping the day away. Then there are days like today, where I feel comforted in knowing I’m not alone, my confidence is boosted due to a certain level of a lack of self loathing, and I find myself moving forward. For example, writing and posting this post, because at least I’ve written SOMETHING, and in doing so I am one baby step closer to keeping my promise to myself to be better and do better NOW and not tomorrow.

Being a dreamer isn’t inherently bad, but there needs to be a balance. Here’s hoping I find that balance this year.

Dreamers

by Hopium ft. Phoebe Lou

You came home late last night
Stumble past half drunk
As the day became weeks
How did weeks became years?

Back back at excuses
But second chances don’t come cheap
You made yourself a promise
Then you forgot to keep it

YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE YOUR YEAR
YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE YOUR YEAR

You said this would be your year
But you fucked around now December’s here
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE DREAMERS

You said that you’re tired of sleeping
But close the shutters when the sun starts creeping in
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE DREAMERS

You put up a smoke screen
Hiding from the midnight sun
Made friends into enemies
But you were your worst one

It couldn’t be your fault
When conspiracy sounds so sweet
You fed yourself on lies
Now you’re fat with bullshit

YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE YOUR YEAR
YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE YOUR YEAR

You said this would be your year
But you fucked around now December’s here
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE DREAMERS

You said that you’re tired of sleeping
But close the shutters when the sun stars creeping in
YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE DREAMERS

I woke up this morning
It was extremely cold outside
The clouds were really gray
And I looked at the clock
And it was 12
And I thought the clock was tricking me
But I just slept for a really long time
The next thing I did was have a shower
And I felt safe because I wasn’t in the wind
And while I was in the shower my phone was ringing
Which is why I didn’t pick it up
I just thought I should tell you that
I called you back
You told me you got a job
I asked if you could get me one
And you said maybe
Then became very aware that I didn’t do much
But I guess that’s kinda normal
When you wake up at 12

Dear diary I had the “Blankest Year”…

This post is late. But I’m going to post it like it wasn’t because why the hell not? Here goes…

2014 in general, when looking back in history/pop culture, seems like it’s going to be written off as a shit year. Personally it wasn’t my worst, but as my friend Joe stated in a Facebook update comment “It was 10/10 in some respects, 0/10 in several others — perhaps more — so I’m giving it a 5, maybe a 6 if I wanna be optimistic. In any case, not awesome.” While my personal life was a mishmash of highs and lows (compared the the previous years major lows), when I was reminded of this song due to a nostalgia trip to high school/undergrad music playlists, I couldn’t help but feel the sentiment of this song applied.

Last New Years I was completely alone and may or may not have aurally witnessed a traumatic event outside my apartment and did dick all about it because I was stuck in a vortex of fear and depression. (Ok it didn’t happen that night, but my memories are fuzzy and I can’t remember if it happened before or after NYE. Still the guilt is/was there). Anyways, this year when my friend Claire said she was coming down from Toronto for the holiday I was pumped to not be alone and to actually have a reason to leave my apartment. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but eventually I decided to just follow along with the song and subsequently thought “Oh, fuck it / I’m gonna have a party!” Because what other way am I going to reward myself for getting through another year?

Blankest Year

by Nada Surf

Oh, fuck it
I’m gonna have a party

I had the blankest year
I saw life turn into a tv show
it was totally weird
the person i knew
I didn’t really know

time don’t move
we’re the only ones who do
bending a reason
coz it’s all we hold on to

I had the blankest year
I saw life turn into a tv show
it was totally weird
the person i knew
I didn’t really know

and now it’s lonely
thank god the band’s doing well
but you don’t own me
I’d like to return this spell
cos’ it’s not my size
your lies are so much bigger
than my lies
and your ties are made of things
that shouldn’t make ties

Oh, fuck it
I’m gonna have a party

Introduction to the song diary

March 17, 2007, I was in my second year of university and I was going through… Well honesty I don’t quite remember. I have a vague idea that it relates to a boy, and certainly some things I remember, but the details not so much. This is especially so when I try to recall what the particular songs were chosen for. My first song diary reads thusly:

“Just something I decided I wanted to do. Sometimes I’ll explain sometimes not, but it’s basically a journal for me without all the effort.”

I can’t say I’ve changed my approach all that much. However, I do intend to explain a bit more, though probably at times a bit cryptically so that only I could possibly understand exactly what or whom the song may have to do with. The feeling the songs trigger however are usually quite visceral and I get taken right back to that point in time.

Anyways, I would like to continue on a medium that likely won’t someday get deleted because of website design changes that aren’t my own (the Soundtrack of My Life diary was started on Facebook’s note section). Therefore I now christen this website as the new home of my song lyric diary.

First up, is a song I discovered after re-watching a film I saw years ago while I was in undergrad studying anthropology, among other things. I actually didn’t appreciate what that movie was talking about at the time, the difficulty after graduating to find oneself and find work. I’ve gone through a lot since graduating and finishing other programs, and finally I’ve reached a point where I’ve had enough and the kind of questions and mental conversation expressed in the first few stanzas of this song hit the nail on the head in terms of my being able to relate.

 

Shine
by Laura Izibor

 

Wake up one morning you realize

Your life is one big compromise
Stuck in the job you swore
Was only temporary

Feel like the world is passing you by
Never done all the things you were here to try
Stuck in one place, got a pain in your face
From all your stressing out

You ask yourself theres got to be more
Than what Im living for
You ask yourself theres got to be something else
Something more, more, more

Well, let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Feel like theres nothing, nowhere to go
You try and fight but you cant let go
Roll the pain, got so much to gain
Now is the time

You ask yourself theres got to be something else
Something more, more, more

Let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

You ask yourself theres got to be more
Than what Im living for
You ask yourself theres got to be something else
Something more, more, more

Let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Well, let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Let the sun shine on your face
And don’t let your life go to waste
Now is the time, got to make up your mind
Let it shine on you, let it shine on you

Lyrics from: Laura Izibor – Shine Lyrics | MetroLyrics